ANYONE BUT YOU (2023): To Watch or Not to Watch Is Obviously the Question

One of my (many) working theories about rom-coms is that it’s generally not the best sign when they start throwing quotes from dead white men on the screen early in the drama. Often it’s an attempt to prove that “this” movie is somehow smarter and superior to all those “other” rom-coms. Anyone But You (2023), which is loosely based on Much Ado About Nothing, features a plethora of visual Shakespearean quotes and many spoken for good measure, but rarely in good meter. In this case, though, it all feels quite complicated because the movie can’t decide if it wants to be really raunchy, kinda high-brow, or just sort of…there? (Powerful analysis.) A lot of gags go on too long while backstories are too scant. The chemistry is lacking, which makes the storyline feel forced. And, while Glen Powell’s body is Genetically Blessed and his ample shirtless and pretty much nude scenes are a delight—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—there was something lacking. Gasp! Heresy! How dare she! You’re just going to have to hear me out. All that said, there are some quite charming moments to be had. Australia is not an eyesore, nor is any human starring in this movie, and, if you’re of a certain age, you can probably spend the entire run-time pondering how it came to be that Dermot Mulroney is playing the father in a rom-com instead of the leading man. Time is a slippery little fucker.

Bea (Sydney Sweeney) and Ben (Glen Powell) meet in a coffee shop in Boston when a barista refuses to let Bea use the bathroom unless she buys something. At first, Bea thinks she’ll just grab a loaf of bread, but then she sees the snaking line to the cash register and her bladder is near bursting. So instead, she starts arguing state law, which gets her nowhere, but her complaints (and likely her physical appearance) do grab the attention of the Benignly Handsome Ben, who just-so-happens to be at the front of the line. So, he makes the bold and gallant decision to pretend she’s his wife and include her in his order. Thus, he wins her the bathroom key and us some pretty pleasant banter. Their meeting? It is pretty damn cute. 

In the bathroom she phones someone named Halle so she can tell them that she met a guy and she’s pretty sure this is something and “this is the time she’s supposed to be meeting people and doing things.” Ben, on the other hand, just stands outside the bathroom holding her coat while untucking and then retucking his shirt, which basically conveys the same message, but leaves him more mysterious-er and less Emotionally Available. Inside the bathroom, Bea manages to soak the front of her jeans with water and there’s a whole thing about her drying them and kind of straddling the hand dryer and then crying out in pain when her zipper heats up, and everyone in the coffee shop turns their heads toward the sound. I spent far too much time trying to figure out how this made the final edit.

Anyway, these two kids end up spending the day together, talking and laughing and walking around a park that is very clearly not actually in the northeastern United States. Eventually, they end up back at his place where he makes them grilled cheese sandwiches, she tells him how she’s not sure about staying in law school, he shares some quasi-touching anecdote about his mother, they talk until the wee hours, and they finally fall asleep snuggled together on his couch, rumpled, but fully clothed. 

Then, in the morning, she sneaks out. Why? She’s scared of all these big feelings. She’s not used to doing this. But wait! What’s this? She realizes her mistake and goes back. But alas, too late! Because she arrives just after the part where Ben’s friend Pete (Gata) helpfully explains (to Ben) how rare it is that Ben has cooked for someone or talked about his mother and that he must be IN LOVE. Instead, she arrives just in time to hear Ben, feeling spurned and burned by her silent escape, say that he couldn’t get Bea out of his house fast enough and that she’s “a nothing.” So that’s the story of how these two conventionally attractive, upwardly mobile kiddos come to hate each other. Aaaw. Actually, this part of the movie was pretty cute.

And that would be that for them, except that six months later Ben goes to meet up with his childhood friend (and Pete’s sister) Claudia (Alexandra Shipp) and her new girlfriend, who is none other than Halle (Hadley Robinson), the beloved sister of Bea! And this is where Ben and Bea’s chemistry kind of starts to put-put-putter out. Actually, it’s like someone blew out their candle. Stamped on their flame. Doused their fire with… You get the idea. Bea and Ben don’t do as well with the sparring, spatting kind of give-and-take energy that’s needed to make the enemies with a strong undercurrent of lust and love just waiting to be revealed feel believable. The whole thing feels flat, and I wasn’t particularly invested in them getting together. I mean, they had a nice night together, but neither of them seemed to really burn for the other. And sure, they shared secret things with each other, but is that because they’re soulmates or because that’s just something that happens sometimes when you meet a stranger you think you’ll never see again? I’m getting distracted. It’s important to note that in the intervening time Bea has gotten engaged to the boyfriend that she was on break from when she canoodled with Ben. No, it’s confusing when you watch the movie as well. 

Obviously, Ben and Bea both think that Claudia and Halle will NEVER last and they won’t have to see each other again, but OF COURSE that’s not what happens. And soon enough these two Tetchy Toned Travelers end up on the same flight to Australia to celebrate Halle and Claudia’s nuptials. Ben makes his way from his seat in first class all the way back to the steerage class just to heckle Bea about how she’s now no longer engaged (last time, I promise) and how he’s in first class and she’s not. Later in the flight, Bea ends up sneaking forward to use the first-class bathroom and while she waits for it to be unoccupied, she decides to steal a bite of Ben’s cookie while he’s sleeping. (Not a euphemism.) To do this, she has to climb across him (there are a lot of jokes about how small she is), and her sweatshirt gets stuck in his chair and she ends up contorting herself and thrusting over his sleeping, eye-masked body with the cookie in her mouth. So somebody did think it was a euphemism, I guess. Really, this whole entire scene, which made me want to remove an eyeball just to give it a little rest from rolling, is so she can hear that he’s listening to the song “Unwritten” on his headphones, which will be vitally important later. And also all the HIGH-larity of her appearing to hump his sleeping form. ‘Tisn’t so clever a jape though ’tis it? Unless you’re into it.

Now, are you sitting down? Because I have some shocking news. In Australia, it turns out that both families (and Ben) will all be staying in THE SAME HOUSE. I know. Wild concept, especially for a wedding rom-com. Also, everyone is very calm and chill and whatever about staying at this gorgeous beachfront house that seems to have a minimum of seven bedrooms? And a pool? And property? Who ARE these people? Anyway, Bea and Ben are pretty shocked to learn that they’re staying in the same place. Did neither of them ask about where they’d be staying for the wedding or who else would be there? Also at the house is Margaret (Charlee Fraser), Claudia and Pete’s cousin, who doesn’t remember that she once broke Ben’s heart into a million little pieces. Why doesn’t Ben hate her the way he hates Bea? He just pines for her and still looks at old pictures of them together. Accompanying Margaret is her boyfriend of sorts Beau (Joe Davidson), who is mainly just there to make Ben jealous and randomly let fly streams of Australian slang. Like, there’s a really touching scene where Beau, who is naked in the outdoor shower, explains to Ben, who is waiting to rinse off, that you “know you’ve had a proper surf when sand gets all up your clacker,” while he squirms and grabs at his butt cheeks like a small child. Then, moving on to wash his genitals, he adds, “Down your gobbler, too.” When Ben asks what a gobbler is, Beau provides several other words before finally showing Ben and us the head of his penis and the opening of his urethra. Poetry in words and images, really. 

Also at the house are Bea’s parents Innie (Rachel Griffiths) and Leo (Dermot Mulroney), who really, really think that she should still be with her ex-boyfriend Jonathan. I mean, to the point that it’s more weird and concerning than funny. Don’t they have their own life? Are they this concerned with Halle’s relationship as well? Obviously, Bea hasn’t mentioned to them, or anyone else, that she has withdrawn from law school, which they are also very overbearing about. And we never ever learn why she doesn’t want to go to law school or what the hell else she wants to do with her life. How is it that several of the supporting characters are more well-rounded than the two leads? Halle and Claudia? You can practically imagine a whole life for them. But try as I might, I have no idea what Bea and Ben get up to beyond sniping at each other. 

So, Bea and Ben’s arguing gets so out of hand that it sets Halle’s hair on fire, which is when Halle, Claudia, Pete, their mother (Michelle Hurd), and stepfather (Bryan Brown) come together and decide that the only way to save this wedding is get these two babes a’banging again. You know, as families are wont to do. Pete and his stepfather Roger have a fake conversation within earshot of Ben about how Bea has feelings for him, which he’s utterly duped by. So, watch this one around cults, juice cleanses, and other scams. Halle and Claudia do the same near Bea, but she’s wise to their tricks and eventually suggests to Ben that THEY double-trick everyone else by pretending to be in a relationship. Into all this trickery and frippery steps Jonathan (Darren Barnet), Bea’s ex-beau who was invited by her parents—but not Beau because he’s with Margaret. Do please keep up. The thing about Jonathan is that he’s just there. He’s a perfectly fine guy who has absolutely no business showing up in this movie. He’s not really an antagonist. Bea clearly isn’t into him anymore. He’s not bent on winning her back. He’s a handsome lump with a very charming way of biting his lip when he smiles. 

Anyway, the plan is to get her parents off her back about Jonathan, to get Margaret to notice Ben again, and to not ruin the wedding. The best part of all of this is that Ben is cast as the klutzy one with big fears who often needs Bea to save him. When they’re swimming out to a sailboat, his strength quickly flags and Bea ends up having to wrap her arm around him and swim both of them the rest of the way. The downside is that this leads to her referring to him as “hot girl fit” because the man’s body is chiseled and every inch appears to be toned, but he admits to not doing cardio. But, um, wouldn’t that make him “hot guy fit”? He is a hot guy who is fit, ergo he is Hot. Guy. Fit.

Anyway, they go on a hike, which doesn’t seem to wind him, and the two of them fumble around trying to figure out how to appear affectionate, and it’s honestly as if neither of them has ever touched another human body before, let alone each other. I’m so confused. It turns into this whole thing with them grabbing each other’s asses and then Bea pulls a giant (by my standards) spider out of Ben’s shorts, which causes him to panic and strip entirely naked. Justified. Also, this happens around minute 45, if that’s relevant to your viewing. Of course it’s relevant! This movie was made with people who enjoy watching unclothed Genetically Blessed male forms in mind. And, I mean, they did their market research. (I’m pretty sure their market research was asking themselves: Do people like to see Glen Powell with no clothes on? Yes!)

And that’s great. It’s lots of fun. Pretty bodies are fun! However, sometimes it’s nice for the person to be seen by someone else, you know? For there to be a bit of perspective. Take for instance, the small moment when Bea comes out of the house dressed for the rehearsal dinner and we watch Ben notice her. I contend that he’s a.) far sexier in that moment than all moments in the movie, including when he’s nakies and b.) That’s what this movie is lacking in general, which is really diverting from my point about nudity, but getting to a larger point.

They talk a lot and say so many things, but what they lack is actual romance, and especially things like the momentary glances, the eye contact that lasts a beat too long, the words drenched with meaning, the voice that catches with barely suppressed emotion. There’s so much attention to cramming in Shakespearean lines and convoluted escapades and making communication as difficult as possible that the movie loses track of the idea that these two people are supposed to be secretly and desperately into each other. And without that, well, it just feels like you’re watching very pretty people run around half-naked while pulling pranks and occasionally saying witty or approachable things to each other. Which might be entirely enough for some afternoon when you want something to watch that’s easy on the eyes in a particular way. 

Overall Rating on the Chronically Streaming Pain Scale: