MOTHER OF THE BRIDE (2024): I Mean…Netflix! Really?

Was this movie made under duress? Did someone say you MUST gather all these well-known and fairly talented people, who somehow have the combined chemistry of a glop of garden slugs on a rainy sidewalk, plonk them in Thailand for a destination wedding, and proceed to throw every gag you can gather at them? And while you’re at it, please do make sure to include some incredibly retrograde stereotypes about mothers, so we can call the whole thing Mother of the Bride (2024) and release it just in time for Mother’s Day in approximately 56 countries? I’m pretty sure the answer is yes. Am I being slightly hyperbolic and maybe a little harsh? Probably not. I mean, really! This movie could have been entirely charming, comforting escapism, but it’s not. And it’s not that I’m mad, Netflix. I’m just very, very disappointed.

Just after RJ (Sean Teale) surprises Emma (Miranda Cosgrove) by proposing to her amidst a veritable shrine of flowers in a very swank London restaurant, which he had entirely shut down just for the occasion, she freaks out because now she’s gonna have to break the news to her mom that she’s engaged! And she hasn’t even told her they’re dating yet! Yeeps! What comedy gold! Quick question. Does anyone in movies like this one ever just have, like, a normal amount of money? What in the robber baron does RJ do that he’s blowing all that cash on a proposal? That’s really neither here nor there in terms of the story, though. 

Lana (Brooke Shields), Emma’s mom, is a big-time geneticist or something, who we know is tough stuff because we see her winning another year of funding for her lab with a mere phone call. I guess this is supposed to be the set-up for why Emma is too intimidated to tell her about the engagement? Because she gets shit done and is top in her field? No, friends, it’s because Lana is a wee bit overbearing and judgy. Imagine endowing the mother-of-the-bride with those qualities. How original. Lana can’t remember the correct name of the company where Emma has been working for the past YEAR, wants her to move back home, pushes her to go to grad school, and sniffs at RJ for having initials instead of “a name.” I mean, I’m pretty sure I’d have some questions if my kid came home explaining how they got a six-figure sponsorship deal to promote some company’s high-end resorts, and it included completely funding their wedding to be held in one month in Phuket, Thailand. But I like to believe most of those questions would be more about ethics, morals, and late-stage capitalism. 

So, KERBLAMMO!! Next thing you know we’re in Thailand, where we meet Aunt Janice (Rachael Harris), who mostly just says randy one-line quips. Why on earth would you squander Rachael Harris like that? RJ shows up and tells Lana how he loves Emma more than anything in this world and will always take care of her daughter. And then I had to pause to go find my eyeballs. Yes, I know it’s what people say, but it sounds like he’s adopting her as a pet, not entering into a (possibly) lifetime partnership as an equal with her.

Anyway, everything is more or less fine until RJ’s Uncle Scott (Wilson Cruz) and his husband Clay (Michael McDonald) show up and it turns out they are old friends of Janice and Lana’s from Stanford, which is all very exciting and small world and kismet until the realization dawns that this means THAT RJ IS THE LIVING HEIR OF THE ONE MAN WHO BROKE LANA’S HEART IN COLLEGE!! And then without further warning, there he is!! Now, while RJ’s father Will (Benjamin Bratt) is surprised to see Lana, he’s pretty outwardly calm about the whole thing. Lana on the other hand? She’s freaking out. She can’t really form sentences. When Will offers to help with her bag, she grabs it back so violently that it ends up pulling them both into a pond of water behind her. Let’s just set aside the very gendered aspect of these reactions, because that’s a whole can of worms and they’re very wriggly and I don’t think we have time to chase them all right now.  Can we just discuss how little these people must have talked to their parents about their respective partners for them to have no inkling at all? And that’s setting aside the fact that there is no way in hell Janice would not have Google-stalked the heck out of Will for Lana at some point in the not-so-distant past. She just has that vibe.

Both these former lovebirds go back to their rooms to get cleaned up and conveniently confab about the other. Janice points out to Lana how good Will looks after all these years. Scott does the same about Lana to Will. Janice tells Lana how Will’s marriage only lasted a couple of years and after that he raised RJ as a single father. Will notices that he doesn’t have any towels in his room. Lana suggests to Janice that what she and Will need to do to make this weekend as comfortable as possible is clear the air and talk about the awkwardness. Scott offers to get towels while Will showers. Janice gives Lana the number to Will’s room and suggests she go over there right this instant to talk to him. You see where this headed, right? Yes! Lana does walk in on Will stark naked, and they do not laugh about it like old friends who have seen each other naked a bajillion times. Instead, she runs away, knocking stuff over in the process and gets even more awkward and upset.

Next up is dinner with Will, Emma, and RJ where Lana’s chair leg lands on Will’s foot because she’s trying to scoot it in while he’s trying to be chivalrous and push it in for her. Those independent women. Always hurting the menfolk. The dinner does not get better from there. Lana feels competitive and petulant because Will is giving Emma and RJ bigger and fancier gifts, and because he went to visit them in London, while she stayed home and worked. There’s a whole thing where Lana and Emma have a heart-to-heart in the bathroom about Will breaking Lana’s heart, and then Lana proceeds to sow seeds of doubt in Emma about RJ also being unreliable because she’s a geneticist and she knows about nature vs. nurture. I mean, this seems like a wholly unnecessary aspect of a movie filled with a lot of unnecessary aspects. I can fully support that running into the person that crushed your heart decades ago could open some old wounds and bring up old hurt, but this woman picked herself up and moved on with her life, went to grad school,  married another man that she loved, had a child whom she adores, has a career that is flourishing, and is able to secure funding for an entire lab with one phone call, and they’re really just going to have her character be like this? Trying to poke holes in her daughter’s relationship? Will, on the other hand, just wants to know if Lana is single. Because men are so easy and simple, you know?

When she’s not being jealous about that, Lana is busy being put out that she wasn’t included in some of the meetings with the company sponsoring Emma’s wedding. Though, she does make some very good points about this being Emma’s wedding and that she should perhaps not let brand managers make all of the decisions based on what will trend best or get the most views. Emma is not ready to hear this advice yet. Which, of course she’s not, because it’s actually solid advice. So, with nothing to plan or to do, Lana and Janice go off to play pickleball, which, long story short, ends with Lana and Will getting very competitive and Lana hitting a ball directly into his, yes, pickle and balls. This is when a handsome young doctor named Lucas (Chad Michael Murray) just happens to show up offering his services, but mostly just wanting a chance to service Lana. It’s the weakest attempt at a love triangle ever. But Janice is very happy because it leaves her room for more randy asides. 

Things continue pretty much like this. Lana and Will share moments when they come together and seem to remember who they were together and how much they still feel for each other. There will be all the chemistry of an olive pit in a crumpled cocktail napkin between them. Then they break apart again, still angry after all these years. Well, Lana is angry. Will is just biding his time. Lana has moments with Lucas, but then she panics and runs away. Janice says a bunch of double entendres. The brand manager comes up with another even more outlandish addition for the wedding that Emma agrees to like she’s an automaton. Emma and RJ are mostly in the background, except when they have to reestablish their love for each other with lines that sound like they were written by entry-level off-brand greeting card scribes. Eventually, though, things will reach a climax (of sorts) and choices will have to be made. The untold truth of why Will disappeared many long years ago will be revealed. People will most certainly get stranded places at very important junctures. People will choose to be true to themselves, which always wins out over corporate greed in a story like this one. And someone might just make the same damn mistake they just learned not to so that this movie can squeeze in one more gag at the bitter end, but this time with body shaming involved as an added bonus. And look, I’m always thrilled when women over forty (or, let’s be honest, even twenty-five) get romantic arcs, but that doesn’t mean we should accept anything they sling at us.

Sigh. Look, Netflix. I really don’t know what to say. I’ve seen what you can do when you really apply yourself, and it’s just so much better than this. 

Overall Rating on the Chronically Streaming Pain Scale:

Return to Top