“The Wrong Missy” Is ALL Wrong

Dear sweet crushed goldfish crackers. I did not enjoy this movie. Did I go into watching it with low expectations? I did, but maybe not low enough. Rarely have I watched something that put so much effort into being funny and failed so miserably. You know when four-year-olds start making up knock-knock jokes? And they make no sense at all, but they just keep going and going and going until the words “knock, knock” make you cry and curl up in a fetal position, which the four-year-old thinks is hilarious, so they tell you more knock knock jokes? The Wrong Missy is like that, but it was made by grown-ass men and all the jokes are about sex, vomiting, penises, sex, alcohol, sex, or women. If you agree with even a fraction of my opinions on this site, then I implore you not to watch this movie! 

I think I’ve already blocked out much of what happened in this movie, and I do not plan on rewatching it to get all the painful details ordered and correct, so, you know, deal with it. (I also didn’t take screenshots, and I’m not diving back into this morass of mediocrity in order to get them. Forgive me.) Tim Morris (David Spade) is your average mediocre middle-aged white guy who is, of course, still getting over his ex-girlfriend (Sarah Chalke, who is so grossly wasted in this film it should be a criminal offense). He’s in competition for a promotion with a woman who he and his work buddy call “The Barracuda,” which is obviously supposed to be funny because women who are competitive and work hard are clearly always predators. There is also a joke about her graduating “on top” of her professor because insinuating that a woman only succeeds because of who she sleeps with also never gets old. Plus, as a bonus, you get to ignore the obvious power dynamics and sexual coercion that would almost certainly be present in a professor/student relationship. These kinds of things also never, ever negatively impact a woman’s life in very real and long-lasting ways that often cost them their credibility and their self-esteem, so it’s the perfect thing to casually joke about, especially in a time when women are trying to finally hold men accountable for just these kinds of heinous breeches of power. Anyway, Tim’s friend from work, Nate (Nate Swardson), is in HR and spies on Tim via his emails, text messages, phone calls, etc. Is this an almost funny nod to how easy it is to access information about people? Maybe. And it was mildly entertaining to watch Nate react to important messages before Tim does. He really wants Tim to find a new lady friend. (I don’t think he actually says “lady friend,” but he most definitely could say it without it being out of character. Which, ew.) 

Tim is a schmuck who is painted to be the victim in this situation, though he’s mostly a victim of his own inability to grow some ovaries, woman up,  tell the truth, and ask for what he wants.

Anyway, Tim goes on a blind date with Missy (Lauren Lapkus, who is doing the best she can with the material, but is far funnier than this movie allows). She is supposed to be a “nightmare.” That’s right my friends, she has brown hair, her own sense of style, small breasts, and she speaks her mind! I mean, just imagine the horror he must have felt. There is perhaps a glimmer of self-awareness when she makes a joke that Tim is too old for her, guessing his age to be somewhere in his 60s and making a joke about his awful wig, which is in fact quite atrocious and distracting. But it’s fleeting and I may be giving them too much credit because they certainly don’t make any further attempts to expose the double standard of older men being entitled to younger, attractive women. Anyway, the movie’s creators feel like we need to be beaten over the head with how “awful” Missy is for being outspoken, so she does things like nearly getting poor, always socially-appropriate Tim beaten up; she follows him into the bathroom (while he’s trying to flee out a window) and slides under the stall door; she is overtly sexual, which we all know only very attractive women have the right to be and even then it’s only under certain circumstances. 

Then, on a business trip, Tim meets another woman named Missy when they accidentally swap identical attaché cases. This Missy is perfect. She has long blond hair, a gentle, bordering on non-existent personality, and she likes all the same things Tim does. Thank goodness, right? Who would want a woman with her own thoughts, interests, and desires?!? Tim and Missy first bond over having the same James Patterson novel. I mean, what are the chances of two individuals both having the same James Patterson novel in the airport?!? Whatever. Tim and this Missy nearly hook up in a supply closet, which he thinks is great, because, as I said before, it is ok for an attractive woman to have sexual desires and be upfront about them.

Tim and a Missy start texting. He thinks it’s the airport Missy, even though this Missy does things like ask him what he’s wearing, says kind of raunchy things, and requests that he send her pictures of his penis, which he does. Tim is not so bright. And also, he thinks it’s just quirky and cute because he thinks she’s the hot airport Missy. Thank you for exposing your own double standards movie and making my job easy! Anyway, he thinks he invites airport Missy to join him on a work retreat where his new boss will decide on who gets the “Big Promotion.” He doesn’t find out that he’s actually invited blind date Missy until she’s on the plane with him. There’s a “joke” about suicide, for which I’d like to say a hearty fuck you to the writers for including. It turns out that Missy is an extremely capable person who has taken classes to do everything from provide EMT services to couples therapy, but she’s also outspoken and rowdy (and who wants that in a woman?) and has the absolute audacity to want to be loved, so she also has to do things like pretend to be a swamp monster, grind in people’s faces, get blackout drunk, vomit into a shark tank after being covered in chum, perform sexual acts without consent, and generally ignore all social rules and niceties so that Tim has “valid” reasons to hate her. I guess. Honestly, I’m desperately confused by what the writers were thinking, but I also want to remain in my bubble where I don’t know what they think about women. Tim is a schmuck who is painted to be the victim in this situation, though he’s mostly a victim of his own inability to grow some ovaries, woman up,  tell the truth, and ask for what he wants. He’s only really concerned about looking good in front of his boss, which would have been a breeze, he thinks, if only he’d had the more attractive Missy, who we are told over and over was Miss Maryland and did two sports in college. I guess that’s just in case you are not aware of what conventional beauty standards look like and you need it further rammed down your throat? Also we all know that nothing proves a man’s worth to other men more than how attractive the woman is that he’s able to land. That’s why we women exist, really. As an added value to men. What a great deal we ladies get out this whole patriarchy scheme!

What if, and I’m just spitballing here, we just put a pin in making movies about mediocre white men? Maybe, like, forever?

Anyhoodle, Tim, who has the personality of a wet beach towel, is sure everything is blind date Missy’s fault, so he tries to send her off to a deserted island and wishes her dead. What fun misogyny can be!! But, in the end, Missy redeems herself by offering Tim a threesome, saving his job, and showing him what freedom looks like. Another fun thing women can do! Help a man see his full potential! Yay!  Tim and his horrible wig make the audacious move to choose blind date Missy over airport Missy! Gasp! Plot twist.  And what a nice guy for choosing the non-supermodel, but still physically attractive, smart, and resourceful woman. Let’s all give him a big pat on the back for learning such a valuable life lesson and growing into a semi-decent human. And she, for still unknown reasons to me, chooses him. That must have been a really long and hard journey for him. But not as long or as hard a journey as it was for me to watch this movie. (Full disclosure: I fast forwarded through a few scenes. I’m not sorry.) What if, and I’m just spitballing here, we just put a pin in making movies about mediocre white men? Maybe, like, forever?

Oh! Oh! Wait! Before you go I have a joke for you! 

Knock, knock? 

Who’s there? 

Orange. 

Orange who? 

Orange you glad I watched this movie instead of you?

Overall Rating On The Chronically Streaming Pain Scale: